Bad meetings and bad feelings

First Entry Sat afternoon:
Let me start out by saying that my 12th step work is wearing me out. Then the meetings. Meeting #1 was a rare trip to Westlake and the god lay thick on the ground. The topic was the 3rd step and I did not hear a single honest word. I did not hear doubt except as doubt from the past that was absolved by the group and then attributed to god. That is it. The group molds behavior and something called god gets the credit. It is like going to a great concert and hearing how the popcorn in the lobby made the whole thing worth while.

I begin to lose heart until I heard the We Agnostics just talk about how they went to a meeting and heard people talk and that made them feel better. I started the meeting off with an reading about free will. Then people talked about the music and not the popcorn. They could see that something worked in their lives when they followed the rules and listened to the voices of the people around them. The people that could not explain what was happening or why talked about god. The people that were self-aware talked about the lessons they learned from their sponsors. Good sponsors answer questions directly with some assurance that good behavior is good sobriety.

My sponsor tells me to detach from Paco and I am going to really listen to what Paco wants. I am going to take him at his word. I don't think I can give people the benefit of the doubt.

Update: Sun Morning:
I set my timer for 10 min. and meditated to zen music twice on Sat. On Sat. night I visited Paco and Jen and I changed my approach. I listened for a change. I asked about his mother and heard and understood what he said. His mother had a learning dissability but she was smart. Sound familiar? We agreed I would sponsor him. I see Ken as a broken car that might not ever run properly but can be decent transportation. Meditation