Yeshua ben Yosef - the wrong IP addr.

[I made this up from scratch, just like John the beloved disciple who never met Yeshua.]

Yeshua ben Yosef was a religious fanatic known as ‘Yeshua the Failed Carpenter’. Losing three fingers to sharp hand tools convinced him to follow in the footsteps of his cousin, ‘John the River Dwelling Fanatic’. He preached a message of love and earthly destruction. If you think he was your Jesus you have the wrong IP address in your route table. Yeshua was stoned to death at age 31 for apostasy. 13 other apostates had been stoned to death that year, 17 would be stoned to death the next, 11 had been stoned to death the previous year. To keep the whores, prophets and publicans under control they kept plenty of stones at hand.

The tired message, "I am the messiah, the world ends now!" was tired. You just could not shut these fuckers up without a hail of stones, a wooden club or the jaw bone of an ass. Once they bled-out in the middle of the street, they calmed down a bit. To be replaced by the next batter on deck. It was a messiah factory. Hanging or crucifying would have turned anonymous fanatics into famous fanatics. Quelling insurrection FAIL.

The 13 heads hanging from the gates of Jerusalem had lost their impact but they made the authorities feel authoritative. The bones of the fanatics, gnawed on by the dogs that were kept for such purposes, made excellent furniture and decorative accessories for the hut or hovel.

For several hundred years many street corner sermons and at least three subsequent scrolls plagiarized this popular fable for its popular although incomprehensible plot and wildly mixed metaphors. Poor people who got poorer, rich people who got richer, poor people that were healed, rich people that got demons. It was like X-Men crossed with the Justice League - there was no telling how this shit turned out. Was Magneto a hero or a villain? Was Yeshua THAT Yeshua? No, the other Yeshua, the one that hung out with Yehuda - no not THAT Yahuda, the other Yahuda. The Yehuda they called Rocky. No, not the Rocky named Simon, the Rocky that herded goats or fished – I cannot remember exactly. There only like 7 names available so it gets confusing.

The Syrian Greeks were in the midst of a Jewish Intifada when the temple fell in 70AD [sic]. The Romans felt that a militarized client state could provide them with a strategic foothold in the Levant. To keep things unbalanced the Romans arbitrarily switched regimes every once in a while. The Syrian Greek Intifada had ended several years before. The next Syrian Greek Intifada was scheduled 7 years hence. This was an infinite loop. It continues today. Remember the stones? They still had plenty of them in piles to throw at each other.

An excerpt from the Haaretz of the time, Josephus, gives a play by play of the action. This was like Basic Cable – Josephus was a Red State talking head. He worked for a policy group and appeared before the Roman Senate to debate the Blue State talking head from SHITAC, the Syrian Hellenistic Israel Tribunal Affairs Committee (whose works were burned by the Council of Who Gives a Fuck in 475 AD):

http://www.bibleweb.com/content/josephus1templefall.htm

What Josephus describes is a perpetual civil war across the Levant. That is not news. Look at this YouTube video:

http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=jlr3eqlxSGs&feature=related

If you prefer the view from the other side it is available in your favorite confirmation bias.

37 year after Yeshua died (no, not THAT Yeshua...), the Romans instituted a Two State solution by demolishing the Temple in 70AD [sic] and encouraging the Jews to get the fuck out of the Levant. Several generations of Hellenistic Jewish scholars debated the words of many philosopher/fanatics of Yeshua's generation and several earlier generations. Fanatics from generations before these fanatics were “prophets” both major and minor.

One fanatic, Mark, wrote an allegorical description of a soon to be long dead Jewish nation that rejected any doctrinal criticism and especially apostasy, the gravest sin against Yahweh (father of a thousand fanatics). The message of this fable - this is a massive cluster-fuck of a region to be born in – was lost on subsequent generations. This tale of woe was written years or months before the fall of the Temple in 70AD. The fact that it seemed prophetic should be tempered by a quick read of “Fooled by Randomness”. Put 500 chimps in a room and one of them will spell more words right than the other 499. Burn the other 499 scrolls with fire. Successful algorithm for selecting prophets is successful.

To recap, generation after generation of zealot marched around the streets and alleys of Jerusalem begging to be stoned and eaten by feral dogs. If you can’t generate four ripping yarns from this rich tapestry of fanaticism - you are just not doing it right. Remember, L. Ron only had imaginary spaceships and dormant volcanoes and look how that turned out.

"Believe in me! I come to kill your grandchildren." says a man blocking your way in the alley behind the church. IMHO we can all feel the hand of the almighty at work here.

I will be making up other accounts shortly. I think I will write four garbled fables. That should cover all the bases. Don't count on them to be coherent. I will be starving (not for 40 days that would be life threatening) when I write the first. I will be on shrooms when I write the second. I will be stoned when I write the third. I will go off my anti-depressants for the fourth. To save time the first three stories will be cut and paste versions with snippets of ‘The Zombie Survival Guide’ and ‘Fodor’s Tajikistan’

Using a random sentence quotation generator on my texts, I will prove that fish live in trees.

That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Next Week: Cthulhu was a Thetan